"A protein-induced, meat headed fight club of superheroes that doesn’t know what to do apart from throw a right hook"
This was always going to be a risky game for Zack Snyder and the fact that Christian Bale is no longer Batman doesn’t even come into it. In fact, if anything, Ben Affleck’s Bats is on par with Nolan’s dark and brooding one. Albeit, there can only be room for one such character, and quite frankly the Man of Steel can move on over.
In short, this becomes a protein-induced, meat-headed fight club of superheroes that doesn’t know what to do apart from throw a right hook. Once you think you are actually getting a decent storyline, it is ripped away from us and replaced with destroying the world as we know it. Of course, Zimmerman brings his talented flare, striking us with a soundtrack that does all it can to take our minds far, far away from the chaotically structured feature we see before us. We are hurtled into psychedelic dream sequences that lead us to believe we have fallen into a portal and ended up in the universe of Mad Max or Tank Girl just to be thrown into something else unexplained five minutes later. This isn’t quirky, it isn’t nifty – it’s just outright sloppy!
Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice warrants my low rating purely down to the sheer amount of laughter had by audience members. Little chortles and giggles will escape as you try your best not to snigger at the 27th serious fight scene and the terrible excuse of effects at times (wasn't this supposed to have a massive budget or did they blow it all on Affleck?). When the Man of Steel and Dark Knight take on a badly formed Orc wannabe Hulk who’s having one hell of a bad day, we fear all hope is lost. Cue Wonder Woman who makes her grand entrance and it couldn’t have been better. Her elegance and determination show up both men within seconds of her coming to their aid. After much speculation it’s safe to say that Gal Gadot is the woman for the job; but in case you didn’t release she is Wonder Woman, fear not, they have added gold clasps to every outfit she wears, just so it’s obvious.
A pang of empathy for Lois Lane emerges as we witness just how awful it would be being Superman’s girlfriend. Running around trying to fix everything he destroys and never being in the same room long enough to discuss anything with - well except flood your apartment and ruin a perfectly good bath. At times Affleck’s Batman is as hard to understand as Hardy’s Bane, donning a knock-off Judge Dredd get-up come LEGO Batman styling. Jeremy Irons as Alfred does what he can with his 8 and-a-half-minutes of dialogue in the hope everyone will remember his stunning performance in High-Rise this year and not this drivel. Jesse Eisenberg tries desperately to give us something unique and different with his deluded and twitchy megalomaniac of a spoilt brat Lex Luther. Perhaps he thought this was a good opportunity to whip up an audition tape for the Joker or Riddler just in case; but all he appears to do is a Mark Zuckerberg impersonation after way too much Facebooking.
Sadly, Synder allows himself to fall into the realm of Michael Bay, somewhere in a distant reality to that of anyone succeeding in a visual and narratively driven splendour. If you go in with low expectations, then you may find this more enjoyable than it actually is.
Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice is released Good Friday, 25th March, 2016 for those who fancy a bit of light torture with their Easter eggs this weekend.