Kill Bill: dead already?

Now that he's finally got Inglourious Basterds out of his system, Quentin Tarantino can set his sights on something new and exciting. Except not really very new. Or exciting. Tarantino, you see, wants to make Kill Bill 3.

According to an interview on Italian television, Tarantino is keen to have the next Kill Bill instalment in cinemas by 2014. That's worrying not only as a possible indication of creative bankrupcy, but also because such a project does seem remarkably pointless. Bill is dead. Bill is unquestionably dead. In the movies Bill died because of the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart technique. And in real life Bill (David Carradine) died, too, in slightly different circumstances. Bill is dead, which does seem to make any more Kill Bill films a touch redundant.

So, with the titular character long gone, how could Tarantino possibly go about making a Kill Bill 3? Here – out of a sense of nothing but pure philanthropy – are a few possible scenarios to help him along.

Option #1 - Bride on the Run. Remember in the first Kill Bill, where Uma Thurman murdered Vivica A Fox's character in front of her four-year-old daughter? The most obvious plotline for Kill Bill 3 would centre on the daughter's efforts to track down and kill Thurman in retaliation. She'd be 15 by 2014, so that would really tap into the key Hannah Montana demographic. In fact, why not go even further and make it a musical? Everyone could learn valuable life lessons about the importance of friendship and the littlest Jonas brother could play the love interest. Perfect.

Option #3 - Baby Bride. Kill Bill 3 centres around Thurman's training of her own daughter to become an assassin. It'd be just like Leon, only without the unsettling sexual undertones or the horrible Sting song at the end. Plus, because it's a Kill Bill movie, the story would be told in an impressive array of styles. Some of it would be in colour, some in black-and-white, some turned into an anime sequence, some recited by the cast of Button Moon, some from the viewpoint of a tap-dancing one-eyed mouse, that sort of thing.

Option #3 - Kill other Bills. Having dealt with Bill, Thurman becomes obsessed with killing other people who share his name. First on the list is lovely BBC Breakfast host Bill Turnbull, who is finished off after a highly stylised swordfight near Bill's beehive. Then she moves onto Bill Gates (suffocated with his own money), Bill O'Reilly (hacked to death in a needlessly gory threshing machine sequence), and will.i.am from the Black Eyed Peas, whose last album she hated enough to overcome slight worries about whether he's a proper Bill. The climax comes with Thurman repeatedly headbutting the bronze statue of long-deceased Liverpool manager Bill Shankly outside Anfield's visitor centre.

Option #4 - The Death Proof Option. Kill Bill 3 opens with Thurman setting out to kill Bill, before realising that she's already killed Bill. So instead, she spends two and a half hours waffling aimlessly about nothing in an indulgent faux-hip way to the sound of the same tired old surf guitar records that everyone started getting sick of a decade ago. Something marginally exciting might happen at the end, but nobody notices because they've fallen asleep or left the cinema. This is the option most likely to reach fruition.